Day 4 (October 30)

Oh boy. Well, today I woke up not wanting a cigarette but wanting to put a new patch on so I guess that's progress, right? Now that I'm sitting at the laptop, I kind of want one but I don't think I'm sad about it like yesterday.

Yesterday evening, when I was still sad I made the mistake of watching The Lovely Bones. Am I the only ding dong who didn't know it was a sad movie? I thought it was a thriller! Damn you, Marky Mark, damn you! Thankfully, this movie wasn't very historically accurate. It took place in the early '70s when EVERYONE smoked. Only one character in the movie smoked, which was good for the likes of me but accurate? Fuck, no. Think about a movie like The Exorcist. Everyone smoked all the time because that's what people did back then. I'm surprised Regan didn't smoke.

I'm seeing my mom today and I hope that doesn't make this crap more difficult, since she smokes. A lot. Since I'm doing this though, she's talking about quitting now too and that's actually more important to me than me quitting myself!

I'm SOO excited for Halloween go outs tonight. One issue I have though is that it's kind of stupid for a demon fairy (my costume) to not smoke. Sure I kill other fairies and drain the souls and/or life of humans but smoke?? *gasp* No way! That's bad for you! Thankfully, I know everyone, especially Rick, will be there for me. I'm lucky to have such great and understanding friends and family. I know even the ones who still smoke will be supportive and that's pretty awesome.

I can't believe it's only been 4 days. It feels like 400. WTF.

Day 3 (October 29, 2010)

Last night at 11pm I sat in my car for 10 minutes fighting with myself about driving to the Sunoco down the street to buy a pack of smokes. I didn't do it but it was a close one. However, I woke up this morning wanting one really bad. I hope this goes away soon. It really sucks.I'm sick of being so sad and missing smoking. It seems so pathetic!! 

I've taken to yelling "fuck you" to people I see smoking. Not loud - they don't hear me or anything because I'm normally in my car with the windows up. It feels good though. I irrationally hate everyone who smokes just as much as I hate Gary Busey.

I'm not working today so I'm hoping to sleep most of the day. And cough up strange things from my lungs.The cats don't seem to understand why I'm so miserable but they better be freaking happy that their house doesn't smell like smoke anymore. 

I have all of these strange thoughts in my head - trying to justify being able to smoke for the rest of my life:

1) I told Beth about this yesterday. I had this idea that I could continue to smoke and then if I get something like pneumonia (like mom) or emphysema or COPD later on in life when I'm old, I could just Kevorkian myself if I see I'm going to suffer. This really makes no sense because my mom's battled pneumonia and almost died because she smokes. I'm just being honest with myself here that I have had this bizarre thought for the past few days. 

2) What if I'm happier as a smoker? Or a better person as a smoker? What if it changes my entire personality? I started smoking so young that me becoming me happened while I was smoking! 3) Also (I kind of don't think this will happen), what if, since "they" say that "smoking stunts your growth," I grow another 3 feet? I don't want to be 7'11"!! I hate basketball! And baseball, but that's another story.

Today is also my first test of drinking coffee at home without smoking. So far so good. I want one really bad but that's ok. It is. I'm going to replace a smoke with nacho cheese for breakfast. What a fucking life I lead. I think even Sari is ashamed of my dietary choices. :(

Just look at dis fukkin cat

 

Day 2 (October 28, 2010)

I had more sleeping problems last night which doesn't make any sense since I took an Advil PM. It was similar to what happened Monday night - being really scared, jerking violently when I'd nod off but I didn't see anything this time thank god. I've been on the welbutrin since the 19th without this shit happening so why is it happening now??? I'm getting pissed off. I usually take my 2nd dose in the evening so today I'm going to try to take it at 5pm and see if that helps. Maybe I've been taking it too close to bedtime. I can't handle these "nighttime terrors" for much longer.

I also wanted to stop using the nicotine patch because I don't want to put off the withdrawal symptoms. However, I don't think I can. I found out that each cigarette I smoked contained 1 mg of nicotine, so I was consuming about 15 mg/day (frequently even more than that). My patch has 7 mg of nicotine. Maybe I'll just stay on it for just a few more days. I really don't want to though.

All in all, Day 2 sucks ass so far. I'm tired, my stomach hurts, my mouth tastes funny, the sun is shining too fucking bright into my office. I'm seriously doubting the the strength and fortitude of my willpower army but I'm not giving up on them yet. Maybe I somehow ended up with a French army in my brain. CRAP.

3:03pm Again I said to myself, "need a smoke break" and came to the harsh realization that no, I cannot have a tasty, satisfying menthol cigarette. Is it a good thing that I keep forgetting that I quit? I have no freaking clue but I do know it's annoying as hell.

Day 1 (October 27)

As soon as I woke up, I put my first patch on. My first thought was, "is this going to mess with my tattoo?" then I realized that was stupid. Driving to work was ok but I forgot to remove some empty packs from my car. Yay for being a messy-assed person. 

I did discover on my drive in that rubbing my patch any time I need a smoke helps so if you see me randomly rubbing myself, that's why.

It wasn't that difficult the first few hours at work but when 11am hit, I was all "yay it's time for a smoke!" and then I was all, "aww..." Funny how habits work. I hope that doesn't keep happening because I choked up a little bit and it was my first realization that I'm honestly going to miss smoking so much. I love smoking.

I'm using some tips that Beth gave me - one being imagining an army of neurons in my brain gearing up for war against my addiction. I'm also trying to picture my brain and my lungs similar to how they are depicted on House, MD but with signs posted throughout the organs saying, "thanks, man, finally."

I've been on the verge of tears for a solid hour. I'm going to work out with Rick after work and I REALLY hope it will help. I keep telling myself that having so many people to lean on will make this easier. I just wish myself would listen.

May update again tonight.

Update 3:09: Afternoon cigarette break is way harder. Now all I want to do is eat pulled pork nachos with a side of red velvet cake. :(

Day 0.5 (evening of October 26, 2010)

Preface: I was prescribed Welbutrin and the nicotine patch by my PCP. I've been on Welbutrin for 7 days. I mistakenly took an extra pill on Monday night and had a night of delusions and paranoia. Otherwise, no side effects to the drug. The delusions and paranoia weren't that bad because I was aware of why they were happening.

 
 I smoked my last cigarette while reading in bed (I know, classy, and not dangerous at all), A Song of Ice and Fire: A Storm of Swords (George RR Martin), approximately 10:30pm. I want to remember the exact part of the book I was reading when smoking the last tobacco goodness. It was right when Tyrion (a disfigured midget, royalty) has to tell Shea (a whore, not royalty) that he can’t be with her anymore and Jaime, Brienne and Ser Cleos just woke up and are continuing their journey to King's Landing on horseback. 

I then threw away my pretty green and blue 1950s style ashtray (this one was my "bedroom only" one) that I bought at a thrift store back in 1993. It's made it with me through college and every move I've ever made. [In preparation for Quitting Day, last week I gave my Papap's ashtray that I inherited to my brother. This was always one of my prized possessions. I hope my brother takes good care of it.]