Day 3 (October 29, 2010)

Last night at 11pm I sat in my car for 10 minutes fighting with myself about driving to the Sunoco down the street to buy a pack of smokes. I didn't do it but it was a close one. However, I woke up this morning wanting one really bad. I hope this goes away soon. It really sucks.I'm sick of being so sad and missing smoking. It seems so pathetic!! 

I've taken to yelling "fuck you" to people I see smoking. Not loud - they don't hear me or anything because I'm normally in my car with the windows up. It feels good though. I irrationally hate everyone who smokes just as much as I hate Gary Busey.

I'm not working today so I'm hoping to sleep most of the day. And cough up strange things from my lungs.The cats don't seem to understand why I'm so miserable but they better be freaking happy that their house doesn't smell like smoke anymore. 

I have all of these strange thoughts in my head - trying to justify being able to smoke for the rest of my life:

1) I told Beth about this yesterday. I had this idea that I could continue to smoke and then if I get something like pneumonia (like mom) or emphysema or COPD later on in life when I'm old, I could just Kevorkian myself if I see I'm going to suffer. This really makes no sense because my mom's battled pneumonia and almost died because she smokes. I'm just being honest with myself here that I have had this bizarre thought for the past few days. 

2) What if I'm happier as a smoker? Or a better person as a smoker? What if it changes my entire personality? I started smoking so young that me becoming me happened while I was smoking! 3) Also (I kind of don't think this will happen), what if, since "they" say that "smoking stunts your growth," I grow another 3 feet? I don't want to be 7'11"!! I hate basketball! And baseball, but that's another story.

Today is also my first test of drinking coffee at home without smoking. So far so good. I want one really bad but that's ok. It is. I'm going to replace a smoke with nacho cheese for breakfast. What a fucking life I lead. I think even Sari is ashamed of my dietary choices. :(

Just look at dis fukkin cat